In my Thirties

This month I had a birthday. I turned thirty something.

No matter how old you are, nothing is simple. I keep learning. I keep growing. You can be 21 or 100 and you will never have a handle at life. 2017 has been a year of a lot of things. Finding myself, trying new things, saying yes, saying no, learning, FAILING, and just other things.

I started to become fearless.

Not a whole lot though. I didn't jump head first into the deep end of things.

I started up a youtube channel. So far the videos have been of my adventures but I'm hoping to add more!

I tried new things like ziplineing and finally got on Guardians of the galaxy ride. I'm scared of heights / drops.

I'm putting myself out there more on social media. I've been scared of getting trolled but so far so good!

I've finally accepted myself. 

I've spent a good chunk of my life thinking I was never good enough for anything. I'm finally free of those chains.

I'm not here for motherhood. I have a step kid, a bonus kid and she's amazing but I love her because I'm not fully 100% responsible for her. She has her father and she has her mother. I've always knew that I didn't want kids but I would say "maybe" because it was thrown at me that "women need to have children otherwise they will not know joy in their life." Let me tell you, thirty something years and I don't feel any less joy in my life!

I'm not the prettiest when it comes to social standards but you know what, F that. I'm fracking beautiful. When you spend years seeing people who looking nothing like you that sits with you for the longest. I know it's kinda "WTF, you're in your thirties why do you think that way?" but it happens. It sits with you for so long even when you are not thinking about it. It's down there deep.

I have anxiety attacks and I'm okay with that. I ignored them for a good chunk. I let it rule my life. It was not the way I wanted to go. I finally got help. I went to a therapist. I spoke. And now I know how to handle it and I'm not scared to say "Hey, I have this" and feel like I'm broken. I'm not broken.

I fail and that's okay.

I started running and this year I attempted my first half marathon. I ran a 5K, 10K, and half back to back. I hurt my foot in the process. It happens and that is life.

My college education is not where I want it to be - I'm okay with that. I have an A.A but that doesn't get you any where anymore. I want to get a better job so I need to finish. I'm in the middle of applying for a student loan forgiveness but that got put on hold because of 45.

I failed posting this in a timely manner around my birthday. It was at the beginning of December and here I am at the end.

Every time that I think I've gotten a handle on this thing called life, new things come at me both physical and mental. I'm rolling with it and sometimes I just stare at the wall "thinking what am I doing?"

And I need to remind myself that I'm doing great. I'm also going to fail and as long as I get up and do it again, nothing is wrong with that.

Even though I started writing this post for my birthday, I'm going to end with a quote for 2018 by a very important "person"

“The greatest teacher failure is.” - Yoda

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